I doubt myself a LOT. And honestly, it’s been that way for some time. As far back as I can remember, I’ve been given reasons to doubt myself and what I can do. But it also arose from something honest and enduring - a desire for a rock solid truth. I think that my sense of self-doubt is also related to my unsatiable drive to be better and do more. And yet that doubt can be so great that it prevents me from really finding out what I can do.
I had a really great talk with another Recurser today about the confidence that we see others bring to RC, and how the stories and histories we have can greatly affect how our self-confidence is nurtured. What is healthy? What is unrealistic? And for whom? In an industry where many faces don’t look like mine, this is a question that I think will continue to evolve slowly over time. ’
Right now, I’m at a bit of a crossroads as to where to go next. And that hesitation has affected how fast I’ve gone. I think (or at least hope) that everyone knows the feeling of wanting to rush forward to something wholeheartedly. For those of us who have had too much to lose, a strong sense of self-doubt makes sense. When much of what you have or dream of is precious, it only makes sense to be cautious and vigilant. In those who have abundance, the marginal loss is not so significant. But in a stage where I must take big risks to progress forward, I find myself at odds with a skill that, for better or worse, contributed to the life I have now.
I’ve had the great fortune of working in a reading group going through Database Internals (which I will definitely blog more about shortly), and it’s really reminded me of the joy of working with others. At first though, I was kind of terrified! I was going to be exposing how little I knew to two professional engineers who were learning about databases for fun… I mean, technically I was too. But presumably they knew what they were getting into. What if I found out a harrowing truth - that I wasn’t good enough? What if I had to face the shame of giving up?? So I looked at my doubt face to face and said this: “I’ll join the group. I’ll reach out and do this because even I don’t know how it will turn out at least I’ll learn SOMETHING. Even if it’s just that database info goes right over my head.” And luckily, my reading companions were (ARE!!) kind, gracious, and patient. And I somehow managed to keep reading. We’re still going through the book, and I’m still struggling on my implementations. And I’m still a bit fuzzy on B+Trees. But the more I’ve talked about my insecurities, the more I realized that what my doubt was preserving was the idea that it was possible for me to learn and progress. It’s a natural human instinct to dislike uncertainty, no matter what job description requires the opposite. But this has been a great exercise in learning how to create certainty for myself.
It’ll be hard when the reading group is done, and I have to start something new again. I don’t think that feeling will ever go away. But I can be certain that if I try, the terrain will become familiar. And that there will ALWAYS be somewhere to go from wherever I’m at.